The only things that make me happy are things I do myself. I haven’t found anyone with enough interests in common to share with. You, I don’t know what to say. I could say a lot of things. But I don’t know how I even feel about you besides the fact that I’m emotionally attached to you. In regards as to who you are to me, I really don’t know and can’t say anything without lying to you. In terms of everyone else, they’ve all got that certain little odd quirk that prevents me from sharing myself with them.
Since I’m really the only one that can make my face light up nowadays; I’m constantly searching for things that’ll make me feel like I’m worth something. I carry around this void inside of me as if I’m lacking something I can’t figure out.
At least you know what’ll make you happy. I don’t. I’ve been searching and searching for some time now, and no luck. It’s like looking for a book in a disorganized library. You know that somewhere, that something you’re looking for exists right there. But you don’t have a way to pull it out of the mess. There’s no Dewey Decimal System or directory. There’s only a list of what’s come and returned, and you’re sure that it’s here. With this in mind, you dig around for that special thing. Over time, you grow ever so increasingly desperate to find it as you slowly lose hope that it’s there. You start to look for alternatives, replacements, other ways to fill that void. But none could ever be as good as that one thing you tried to find. It’s like a toy I had when I was a little boy.
There were three shapes and three holes. You had to find the shape that fit and filled the right hole. If you tried to put a circle in the square, it wouldn’t fill up the entire square hole. There’s empty space left unfilled. The same applies here. Should I find myself unable to find that one idea that’ll make me perfectly happy, I’ll try to fill it with something else. But it’s never gonna be as good as the proper thing I need. The void will still exist. There’ll still be holes. Just like how the corners are left empty when you put a circle in a square hole. It might fit, but it won’t fill. If it doesn’t even fit inside at all, then it won’t even fill the void to any amount or degree.
What do you think I need to do?
